Reaching out for contact, for comfort and support, and for help: this is a concept and a behavior I know little about. Sure, I know on a theoretical basis, but not on a practical one. My family only reached out to other family, and then tried their best to not do that. Being a burden was considered a very bad thing.
Thus I have no way of judging when I am and when I am not being burdensome. When do I ask for comfort and when am I just whining? When do I need someone to hang out with and when am I just being self-pitying? What's the difference between asking for someone to listen ... and narcissism? Do these seem like excessive comparisons? Now you know why I don't have an effective yardstick for judging.
And then there is that inability to know what others are thinking. That's one reason it's so hard for me to ask for help: maybe whoever I ask is just humoring me and really thinks I'm being a baby. But my friends are too polite to say.
It was easier when Mom was alive. I never felt I was burdening her and I knew she always wanted to listen and support me. All I had to worry about there was getting her to make it a two-way street.
A few minutes ago, I sent an email to a group of people to put them in contact with each other, in case there is another time when I am out of contact and want everyone who is close to me to know where I am and how I am (of course, I think I'm out of non-essential internal organs to have removed, so anything else and it will be pretty damned serious). And I told them I was feeling kind of down. Because I don't know when is the right time to to ask, I don't want to wait until I am so blue I am afraid to ask for help or just some company.
Better too soon than too late. And I need the practice, in asking. I'm better at it than Mom was, but asking someone else for anything is pretty difficult. I'm just hoping no one minds.
Geez, I sound like a beaten puppy. Oh, right, I kind of am. There are more reasons than I've noted that I'm unsure about asking others for help. There have been people over the years, even in recent times, who jumped all over me verbally for what I didn't even perceive as offenses. So, yes, beaten, hesitant, and puppyish when I'm unsure. Sensual, confident, and feline when I'm sure. Can I get anymore polarized?
Is this when I'm supposed to ask for help? (I'd insert a smile but I don't think my blog supports it, so just imagine a wry grin, okay?)
Smiling back atcha!
ReplyDelete(But ya know, not "wryly" just encouragingly.)
Julie
Not easy questions, Skye. I know in myself that I find it MUCH easier to help than to ask for help. Somehow other people are allowed to have needs and wants that they need help with but I'm supposed to not only help them but take care of all my stuff myself. As I'm lying on the sofa with a very painful back and a nasty head cold and Christmas bearing down on me like a freight train while I'm tied to the tracks. Help!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what, if any, help I can be to someone I know only thru the interwebs, but I'll make a deal. You send healing vibes toward my damn back and I'll send waves of emotional strength and healing for you.
Thanks, Julie. You have a good smile! :)
ReplyDeleteKaren (my mom's name was Karen, and so is my therapist's!) - most of my friends these days are people I've met online and never in person. I have met some in person. I chat with others on IM or text or occasionally phone. We exchange emails. Even my oldest friends are now almost entirely email-communicators. Or text. Your supportive words and your presence makes a very big impression and are very helpful. I value you, even tho I haven't met you in person.
And here I go, sending healing FGBVs to you, plus more FGBVs that others will step up without your even asking to help you. **eyes closed tightly while sending out thoughts ... very hard work**
Thanks, Skye! As I read your comment I was thinking how many online friendships I have and that they know me differently from my real life friends. It's like the RL ones know the outside me but the online ones know the inside me. I did have the experience of meeting some of my online friends at a conference and it was so odd - I knew them, I recognized them, and we were instantly in conversation.
ReplyDeleteThe FGBVs are much appreciated!
I think we are used to being independent, so it's hard to ask for help. Or even understand when we might need it. I think you've made great strides in recognizing when you need it-it's the believing that it's okay to ask that's a problem.
ReplyDeleteYour friends-online or off-are there for you. You shouldn't feel like you're a burden. It's the job of friends to listen, even if you're whining, because WE'RE ALL ALLOWED TO WHINE. Whose life is perfect? No ones.
So, super FGBV's for feeling better. I already think you're getting better at so many things-you just don't see it. Ask a Karen, any Karen, and they'll agree. (smiley face)
This is made more difficult by different people responding differently to the same action on your part, and the same people responding differently depending on what else is in their mind at the time.
ReplyDeleteTrusting others is hard. More so when you have been taught not to show weakness. Too often weakness or any failure was perceived as moral failure. After all, if we were doing what God wanted us to do, we wouldn't have these problems (this was a actual meme earlier in our country).
Asking is a test of the friendship. Friends will help. People who aren't friends won't.
It's late now but I'll be back soon to catch up with you Skye baby. Til then sending Sunshine your way with lot's of sparkly farting unicorn fgbv's.
ReplyDeletep.s. I know your voice when I hear it, big love babe.
Monica Baby, you totally validated my faith in you!
ReplyDeleteThank you.
Okay so, I'm back. Here's the plan. I'm signing up for your post feeds so I can keep tabs on you. I'm so happy to see other Betties here and that they too are keeping up with you. I hope that I can even slightly come close to how well spoken they are, their words are so wonderfully supportive, I totally dig these chics.
ReplyDeleteSecond thing. I'm attaching a link to a website that may be very helpful to you. I have to warn you that her site is kinda cheezy looking but don't judge the cover. I purchased a reading from her some years back and it totally prepared me for my marriage. It brought an understanding not only of myself but of my husband and how we tick. Her Individual Readings are reasonably priced and I highly, highly recommend this science of Numerology to further your understanding of self. I realized that you've been therapied to death but if you haven't explored this avenue I encourage you to. I learned allot about myself and put it to use everyday. Good luck, I'll be keeping an eye on the Skye, heh, heh. <3
http://numberslady.com/ezcart/list.cfm
Oh dear, I need help. How do I subscribe for RSSS feeds, like how we have at the Bettyverse where posts are emailed? Or do I not have that option. I don't know what the list of gadgets do in the subscription options because I am technically challenged when it comes to blog sites. Heeeeelp!
ReplyDelete